Asking a Griever "How are you?"
- Shelby Putlak
- 3 days ago
- 3 min read
Sometimes, the simplest questions carry the heaviest weight, and cause the worst damage.
Read on to hear more about the impact of asking a griever "how are you?" from an actual griever.
In 2020, I unexpectedly and very suddenly lost the man I loved to a pulmonary embolism. Not even one week later the country spoke of something called the Coronavirus, and life seemed unrecognizable. After suddenly losing Peter and watching the operations of the world as I knew it crumble around me, it felt impossible to sugar coat how I was feeling. Especially when someone would ask me. That doesn't seem too strange when you really think about it. But it felt like people weren't asking to hear about ME, how I was, but were asking to feel better about THEMSELVES. Someone would ask me how I was feeling, and when I would start to answer I was often met with judging looks, backing away from me, eyes searching for somewhere else to go, pitiful stares, cutting me off when they felt too uncomfortable, shutting me down quickly with "it will be okay", and those responses are just the tip of the iceberg. And yes, I noticed every one. During such a sensitive and scaring time, it's extremely hard not to.
Over time these dismissive replies and often blatant interruptions wore on my heart. I began feeling like my situation, that I didn't ask for mind you, might really be the burden to others I feared it would be. If others couldn't even handle my truthful and human response to the simple question of, "How are you?" then how could anyone really stand the new me? The post loss me? Because now, she can never be that girl again even if she wanted to. In my own isolation and unhealthy coping habits, I started feeling even more misunderstood, and helpless for my future. Not wanting to hurt myself further, I hid from people and circumstances where I might be faced with questions like, "How are you doing?". And yes, that just made it all worse.
Nowadays when I am speaking with someone who I know is healing, I really do ask, because I really do want to know, and I really give them their space to answer. Grievers and healers need to feel like the world still has space for them. And maybe even more space for them and who they are now than before. We want to be asked how we are feeling, but only if you are ready to hear the answer. Because the answer might not be comfortable, and might not be cute over our cup of tea, but it will be truthful, and it will help your loved one heal to listen.
If you relate to this sentiment, then I have something I know you will love and find comfort in. Something cozy to give your loved one to show them you really get it, and really want to hear about their journey. I designed the comfiest sweatshirts, graphic tees, and tote bags with this exact message in mind: "Don't ask me how I am unless you want to hear the answer". All designed with sketches of green tea and matcha for a cheeky take on "spilling the real tea" with your true friends who want to listen.
Launching my pop up market this past weekend in Louisville, Kentucky I had so many people pull this design off the rack and tell me a story about how they connected. One woman told the cutest story about how her cousin and her were just going on about this topic the night before. And over tea! I'm finding a lot of my own comfort in wearing these actually relatable designs around the world. It feels good to share the truth of the journey, and show others they're not alone in their process. Even if it is with a little comfy sweatshirt... Maybe you can help your loved one feel a little more understood too.
Keep moving forward. Keep being true to you. Keep being true to your journey. No one's journey is your own. But you are never ever alone.
Browse www.marigoldmoononline.com for the most relatable designs
for your self care era and healing journey, every order helps donate back to the mental health community.
If you or your loved one are looking for more information on recommended mental health, grief, or healing organizations to support you during life's impossible moments you can start by visiting the Resources page on my website here: https://www.marigoldmoononline.com/resources.
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